a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Air Fryers




I have many talents (namely my uncanny ability to buy every single thing Instagram serves me in a targeted ad) but my skills stop at the kitchen’s threshold. I can pour a bowl of cereal and know my way around a microwave, but that is about it. I prefer only to make reservations.

So when a sponsored Instagram post introduced me to an air fryer, I knew I needed one. But since I didn’t want to buy myself one…. I convinced my boyfriend’s mother to give him one for Christmas. Then, on December 26th, 2018, I commandeered his air fryer as my own.



My 2019 resolution was to learn to cook* (*in the air fryer). 6 months into 2019, I can proudly say that I have graduated from the microwave to the air fryer, which has replaced the microwave as my primary source of sustenance.

In college, when I was responsible for making dinner for the house, I would pour everyone a bowl of cereal and then eat five bowls of cereal because no one wanted to eat my prepared meal. BUT NOW all my friends want to come over and behold the air fryer magic!




Still not convinced that air fryers are the best thing available in the infomercial sphere right now? Let me elaborate on why air fryers are the best thing since deep fried twinkies:

1 . Since my favorite type of food is the fried kind, my air fryer allows me to take anything in the grocery store and turn it into the healthy deep-fried alternative version of itself. BUT WITHOUT ADDING ANY OIL. It is literally like magical food science.

2. Gives new life to your take out leftovers. Sometimes I order Uber Eats just so I can put it in my air fryer.



3. Make great wedding gifts. There is nothing more thoughtful than giving someone a gift they didn’t know they wanted.

4. They are a beautiful counter decoration. It's like a Ukrainian Easter egg that sits on your counter all year round.

5.  You end up tricking yourself into eating more vegetables like onion rings and tempura cauliflower.

6. You are #cleaneating because there is little clean up involved with the air fryer. You just wash the basket out and then let it dry. I don’t have personal experience with this part, but I have watched Matty do it multiple times. Since I am the one preparing the meal, I can't also do the dishes.

7. Automatic portion control. I can only fry what I can fit in the basket… for that course at least.




8. Great excuse to get out of outdoor activities like camping or white water rafting. My default excuse is, “Sorry, I can’t go because I can’t bring my air fryer and I don’t want to get hungry”.

9. Owning an air fryer provides default conversations. Run out of things to say at a party? Just talk about your air fryer. This trick works at supermarket checkout lines, sporting matches, and probably funerals.

10. Automatic shut off means my smoke detector gets a break. Normally, I know something is finished toasting because the smoke detector goes off, but now, I don't have to rely on the smoke detector anymore!


Air fryers are literally the best thing to ever happen to my budding career as an expert cooker. I have decided that my Top Chef stage name will be Queen of the Crispy and I am waiting for Ellen DeGeneres to invest in my air fryer restaurant which would be like an air fryer version of Benihana.

My only complaint is that they don’t come in pink.

xo
B

Monogrammed Mock Turtlenecks






I wouldn’t normally take fashion advice from a man who proudly admits to having worn elastic waist suit pants at the age of twenty five. However, one of Matty’s closet staples has grown on me lately. Don’t worry… I haven’t shape shifted into a 200 pound man… merely the concept (and not the actual size) of one of his closet staples has become a favorite of mine:

Monogram mock turtlenecks. 

Though I cannot technically speak from personal experience, I can make an educated guess that the fashion industry isn’t waiting with baited breath for L.L.Bean’s winter collection. But it should. 

Here is why monogrammed mock necks should be the 2019 trend of the year:



1. Wearing a monogram is a great way to combat any form of amnesia related to remembering your own initials. It is hard to forget them when they are stitched into a cotton band around your neck! 

2. You don’t need to wear a necklace when your monogram is already around your neck*.*Except if your initials are the same as a less than ideal acronym like DUI… in which case, you probably shouldn’t ever wear your monogram. 

3. Monogrammed mock turtlenecks is a trend the whole family can get behind. My grandmother much prefers wearing a mock neck to a crop top.

4. Since this trend isn’t mainstream (yet) you do not have to worry about L.L.Bean being backordered. Plus L.L.Bean carries every size, all the way up to Paul Bunyan.  

5. Matching monogrammed turtlenecks make the best wedding gifts. I honestly can’t wrap my head around why more couples are not registering from them.

Outside of the concept of flannel, I don’t know of any other fashion-related contributions the state of Maine has made to American wardrobes. However, I would sign my initials to a petition stating that the most a-maine-zing thing to come out of the state with two seasons ( “4th of July & Winter” - according to Matty’s father) is L.L.Bean’s monogrammed mock neck turtleneck. 





Confessions of An Overpacker



I spend a lot of time considering what I will title my memoir but, as of late, I have decided that “Confessions of an Overpacker” is the latest front runner. In preparation for my impending publishing deal, (LOL JK AS IF LOL LOL), I have decided to weigh the pros and cons of this self inflicted lifestyle. 


(Above: Me wheeling my suitcase.. which is packed for a 2 hour day trip)



OVERPACKER Pros:


1. Since I have been known to confuse C° and F° degrees, I have to be prepared for a 50 degree temperature swing at all times. Not only am I inept at temperature gauging but I am also allergic to outfit repeating and allergic to hand washing so ….. on any given excursion my suitcase contains a ratio of 15 outfits for every 30 hours of the trip. 






2. I am any country’s GDP MVP. Part of my packing list always includes an extra suitcase for whatever I procure during my trip. When I lived in Africa, I personally helped Tanzania’s 2011 GDP just in terms of my personal exports. 


OVERPACKER Cons:


1. You can’t fly budget airlines. One time I flew Spirit… (don’t worry…I survived) and my friend asked me what I was going to do with all the money I saved. I said, “Fly my luggage”. I can assure you there was nothing budget about my experience with Spirit. To quote my loving and endearing boyfriend, “There is nothing budget about you.”






2. As with budget airlines, my physical and emotional baggage has never fit in an economy size rental car.  Luckily, during the 27 years my father has been my father, he has learned this lesson and and expects some sacrifices to be made. Like his lap space.




3. Through trial and error, I have learned that I am not the target demographic for backpacking. When my family backpacked Patagonia, my sherpa needed a sherpa just to carry all of my things. 





4. Some European elevators discriminate against over packers.  See below photo of me trying to chaperone my bags to the 6th floor. If my bags and I had not fit in the elevator, then we would have either slept in the lobby or slept in the car because I am not emotionally or physically strong enough to carry my luggage up 6 flights of stairs. 





5. Bellhops hate me. I am sure there is a group of bellhops who get together for weekly therapy sessions because they have been personally victimized by the sheer amount of my luggage.  




6. Dating an overpacker. The only thing worse than an overpacker… is two overpackers traveling together. Anytime we pack the car, my Eagle Scout of a boyfriend engages in an intensive real life game of tetris. 





In conclusion, my memoir remains unnamed and my status as an overpacker remains unchanged. Being an overpacker is an easy burden to bare when your super cute luggage is pink and on wheels. 











How to Crush Your Christmas Card




One of my favorite holiday traditions, besides gaining an average of 15 pounds, is sending holiday cards. I truly believe that spamming everyone I know with a 5x7” photo of me is the best way to solicit compliments, holiday party invitations, and ultimately…Instagram likes…which is always my end goal.



Humble as ever, I now consider myself an expert on crushing your Christmas card since last year my card trended on Yahoo.com. Granted…I don’t ACTUALLY know anyone who reads Yahoo.com but I don’t let that fact dilute my recently found celebrity.


Suggestions:

1. The holidays are best time to take yourself seriously. Choose a theme and then COMMIT to that theme. Viable themes include being single, alcoholism, and weight gain. If you don’t take yourself and your theme seriously, then you won’t receive the fan mail that Matt and I so graciously received from our adoring fans:



2. Pick a partner who is less attractive than you. This was obviously Matt’s strategy with our card. No wonder he is always such an active and willing participant.



3.. Do a test shoot of your outfit. You do not want some guy named Bill being the one to point out it looks like you, “Have a roll of quarter in your pants in at least two photos”. I need more people like Bill in my life.



4. Pull together your list of recipients. Ex-girlfriends, last weekend’s Uber driver, that bartender who potentially roofied your drink…don’t discriminate. Everyone needs a physical reminder of how cute you are.





5. Include the good stuff. The best type of cards come with a double-page, single spaced letter with imperatively important life updates like: “Candace applied for a job but never heard anything back” or “Jeff might be allergic to a certain type of apples” or “Maria went to the dentist in March”.

6. If recipients don’t express their gratefulness for receiving your card within 24 hours, then break up with them immediately. It is also totally acceptable to send them a Venmo request to reimburse the cost of printing and the stamp. It is also totally reasonable to break up with acquaintances on the grounds of failed Instagram likes and not posting “Happy Birthday!” on your Facebook wall.




Matt and I are shooting this year’s holiday card next week and I can’t wait for Yahoo.com’s feedback! I hope they love this one just as much as they loved last years!

xo
B



When Your Girlfriend Moves in with Your Boyfriend




6 months ago, my best friend moved in with my boyfriend. Have I moved in with my boyfriend? No. But I am pretty sure having your best friend live with your boyfriend is a seriousness step. (**Which gets me thinking…. Should I be receiving a gift from one or both of them to commemorate this? Probably!!).



Since the three of us went to college together, it is kinda like we are reliving the dorm experience. Matt and Lindzy are the suitemates and I am the random student who lives across campus but likes to spend ALL my free time in their common room. Here they are preparing a meal for me:



From my side, (which is the side of someone who does not live there and contributes minimally pretty much nothing) these are the pros and cons of having my best friend live with my boyfriend.


PROS: I finally have someone who will be an active and willing participant in all Bachelor franchise and MTV Teen Mom franchise episode viewings. In addition to binging reality tv, I finally have someone to discuss the questionable life choices of some of my collegiate peers. My boyfriend Matt never offered me a supportive or judgement-free environment for either of these addictions hobbies.




As I am a licensed driver who refuses to get behind the wheel of a car, Lindzy has unknowingly become another pro-bono driver, volunteering for the SarahBKeating taxi fleet. She has on occasion begrudgingly ferried me to a McDonalds drive-thru upon request. Since Lindzy comes with a boyfriend and her boyfriend comes with a dog, I have a whole new dishware collection! Eating from a (clean) dog bowl is my new favorite way to eat dinner. It is much more acceptable than when I used to eat my cereal from a mixing bowl.

I finally have someone who appreciates rap lyrics of the 1990s. Currently, Lindzy and I are trying to make FLOSSY come back. (*It should be trending in an Instagram caption on a feed near you soon). The best part about living with Lindzy, besides the guaranteed additional access to her parents, who are THE BEST, is her closet. Lindzy’s teacher wardrobe lends itself perfectly to my buttoned up office. CONS: I have only come up with two cons in the 6 months Lindzy has lived with Matty. Hypothetically, if Matt falls in love with Lindzy, then that would be less than ideal. Not that I would blame him because Lindzy is pretty much the American Dream. How many natural blondes with innate dishwasher emptying skills do you know? For all you know, your man might be in love with Lindzy too. The other con is absolutely undeniable. Since Lindzy moved in, Matt and I have exercised at least 3 times in the last 6 months which is a 400% improvement from this time last year. Lindzy’s fitness routines are really rather too inspiring. Matt and I are pictured below exploring the hiking trails 400 yards from his house that we didn't know existed until Lindzy found them her first week. (PSA: Matt had lived in his house 4 years prior with absolutely no idea that this specific "fitness opportunity" existed)




CONCLUSION:
I really hope Lindzy and Matty don’t make a pro con list about me because I they might take away my key holding privledges. And then I would have no one to feed me. Or drive me to McDonald's.





XO
B









Heading West








My best friend Mac and I recently completed the Texas to California leg of our, “Tour of America's Truck Stop Bathrooms.” When Mac took a job in California, she decided to drive cross country and, though she may have later regretted her decision, she invited me to join her. I jumped in her passenger’s seat in Austin, Texas and can summarize my experience as follows:


On Directions:
If I were to describe my sense of direction, I would simply say, “I don’t have a sense of direction.” Thank goodness Google Maps was invented before I learned to drive or I would have never made it out of my parents’ driveway. So when Mac said I would be in charge of directions, I was initially concerned by the potential pressure. However, on the first day, the GPS lady barked, “Stay straight for 496 mile and take exit 19B in 6 hours and 27 minutes."I can honestly say that following directions has never been easier than it was for me on that day.




On Places Not to Stop:
This women’s room at the El Paso Truck Stop.







On Stopping:
Mac’s theory on stopping was….“We aren’t doing it!”. So please DO NOT ask me how my visit to the WORLD FAMOUS llama farm that we LITERALLY drove past was. Mac didn’t let me stop and I didn’t let her stop hearing my continuous complaints.




On Shopping:
As mentioned above, Mac’s theory on stopping was…“We aren’t doing it!”. Can you guess what Mac’s theory on shopping was?....“We ALSO AREN’T doing that.” So you can imagine my delight when Mac announced we would be stopping so she could purchase a new shirt. But then I remembered Mac’s favorite store…Goodwill. My bank account will attest to the fact that the only shopping I did was in the candy aisles of gas stations.





On Making New Friends:
Much to my disappointment, I didn’t collect any new Instagram followers on this trip. The only friends I made on this trip were a few cactus and a plastic armadillo magnet named Texas. The armadillo came named so I can’t take credit for the creativity of his name.





On Hotels:

Mac is a lot of things but she is the opposite of #trendy. So when Mac said she would pick the hotels, I panicked and mentally resigned myself to prospect that we would only be staying at places whose names ended with ‘motel.’ HOWEVER, Mac surpassed the very low bar I had set for accommodation expectations and actually picked some trendy places. I briefly considered forgiving her for the time she wore running shoes to a cocktail party. But then remembered that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and again and she just got lucky with her hotel picks.






















Hands down the worst part of the trip was having to fly home on Spirit but that story will have to wait for another blog post. I would have rather spent 5 hours in the El Paso Truck stop bathroom pictured above than taken that flight home.