a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

'Tis the Season

 As a self proclaimed sparkle-addict, the December glitz is my FAV!  I would celebrate every holiday if it wasn't sacrilegious and/or un-financially feasible on my shop-aholic budget. The month's fa-la-la has been a hoppy holiday season with beer fests, a NYC trip, White Elephants and pounds of iced Christmas cookies. When I wasn't exhausting my headphones or my roommate with Justin Bieber's Christmas album, this is what I was up to:

I finalized the production of my personal Christmas Card. Murphy (my wall sticker pet cat) and I are officially ready to adorn a refrigerator near you. 

I sat on Santa's Lap and presented my 2014 Christmas Wish/Need List:

1.  Forehead reduction surgery. My LFS (long face sysyndrome) has been out in full effect in 2014. Forehead reduction surgery would allow me to grow out my bangs. Currently my bang's sole purpose is to hide my elongated forehead. Forehead reduction surgery= no longer need bangs.
2. Nosejob. 
3. My own Dry Cleaner. His name would be Urkel and he would live in my walk in closet. I would feed him oatmeal and Hersey kisses. And he would kinda-absolutely be like my live-in-best-friend. For.Ever.
5. A basset hound named Charlie.  I feel like basset hounds are my animal equivalent. We both wear black and brown together, suffer from LFS, lack atathleticism and drool. #soulmates
6. Monogramed Uggs
7. Guaranteed Instagram Likes. Minimum 25 per picture. Selfies included. 
8. And World Peace

Judging by Santa's facial reaction, I think my requests were reasonable! 

Most week nights were spent sobbing my way through Lifetime Channel's holiday love movies, dressed up in my fanciest, posh-est fleece cat onsite PJs. I enjoyed romantic home cooked meals for one (ie microwavable popcorn). One Sunday I felt adventurous enough to challenge Webster's dictionary to a game of Sarah B. Keating's interpretation of the English language. Whats the difference? Classifying abrivs (abbreviated words) like "Fav" and "Fabs" as legitimate as Webster's words like "Tibet."


In other news, I was finally able to snag a few holiday party (pitty) invites! Next year's New Year's resolution? Peruse less attractive friends and work colleagues. Its too stressful being photographed next to such pretty people.  

 Brett (the Christmas Grizzly) and I wish you the beary best Ho-Ho-Holidays! Finger's crossed, Santa remembers my"One Free Nose Job" certificate. If he forgets, I am going to file a formal rhinoplasty compliant with the North Pole.  


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