a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

How to Successfully Holiday Party

I measure my annual personal success by the number of holiday parties I am invited to. 
So far , 2014 is not stacking up well... with a bleak total of  negative 2 (-2!) holiday party invitations. One was a mass email from work and the second is J and A's company office party. (Which technically, I wasn't invited to but since I know the location and can assume there will be a cheese platter, I will obviously be attempting to attend.)  

So, as I wait patiently for the mailman to deliver my Facebook invitations, I decided to put together a Sarah B style guide of how to successfully holiday party.

1. Get invited. Hands down this is hardest part for me.  Luckily J and A's friend always needs a baby sitter so I get an accidental invite by default. Unfortunately, by the time the children fall asleep, it is normally around the same time the open bar has closed. 

2. Have a dance sequence prepared. I learned everything I need to know from the Disney Channel and according to the plot line of 150% of all Disney Channel Original Movies, a chorus line is a required element to a lifetime of happiness. And every dance sequence is only as good as it's candid photo potential:

3. Portion Control. No good story that starts with, "So... I was drinking the spiked eggnog" ever ends without an apology. Especially if you are lactose intolerant and/or a binge drinker.

4a. Chose an un-photogenic date. I didn't say unattractive, I just said less photogenic than you. (This is of the similar midset/strategy of people who are only friends with ugly people so they constantly look pretty... Sidenote- One of my high school roommates admitted out-loud that she subscribed to this train of thought, asked someone to take a picture of us, AND THEN made that picture her Facebook profile picture...)  

4b. If their photogen-aism is undeniable and their personality irresistible, THEN at the very least, make sure they are not better dressed than you. Having a suave, stylish date sets an unprecedented bar for future holiday engagements. Encourage yourself to set a low bar for the multiple reasons listed above or else you will be find yourself in my current sitch.  Last year, my former flame and I were unofficially the Offical Best Dressed Couple.  Lets be honest, there is no topping a bearded, bellied man who wears a coordinating Lilly Pulitzer dinner jacket. 

5. Don't be unfashionably fashionably late. The holidays wait for no one. And if you are like me, you always arrive alone and PRAY that one person you know will be there. (So if you are one of my 17 LinkedIn connections, please be prompt so I don't have to spend the entire evening alone, on the couch, petting a shedding dog and pretending to enjoy it). 

6. Stay away from the Spray. Tanning cocktails were my 2013 addiction and in certain sunglasses, I looked like a Native Islander which is only a good look if you are truly a native Native Islander.

So if I am lucky enough to scrap together an invite to a holiday party this year, I'll be waiting under the mistletoe. Probably alone. Applying lip gloss at a break-wrist speed.  Wishing. Waiting. Hoping. And most definitely wearing my singing, light-up reindeer sweater vest. 


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