a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

When Road-Tripping

On the rare occasion I break from my indentured servitude to public transportation, it is in the name of a road-trip. As the world's most insecure driver, I am seldom elected to be behind the wheel, but I do make for an excellent middle seat passenger. When I was younger, well SINCE I've been younger, my father has taped a $20 to the rear-view mirror. The rule is whoever sits in the middle seat without crying, earns the $20. Since I have procured (embezzled) loans from both my financially stable younger siblings (both of whom scoff at petty cash) it is always I who gleefully snatches the $20 bill upon arrival.

So, as the reigning Middle Seat Champion,  I have an affection for road-trips. Do I associate them with $20? Yes. Do I often imagine myself as the spitting image of Brittany Spears in the movie Crossroads, bopping across country in my convertible and my best friends on a journey to find myself and cute boys? Yes. Do I love road-trips because they present an opportunity to force someone into maintained contact/conversation with me sheerly due to the confines of a moving vehicle? Yes.

I have spent three of the past six weeks on the road, touring the Eastern Seaboard, one I-95 rest stop at a time. These are a few of the lessons I have collected. The most important of which is Hummer H2s make you look cool. Anyone driving one looks AWESOME. Fact. Other knowledge tips are: 

Tip 1.
 Overpack. No one has ever said, "Oh man, I packed too much!" Well maybe someone has said that, but those blasphemous words have never crossed my lips. My go-to line when someone eyes up my luggage allotment is, "I wouldn't describe myself as a light packer!" I like to limit myself to four outfits per given hour of said trip. Bellhops love me. Trunk space hates me. Road-trip necessities include my Scout bags, my McDonald's loyalist card, hair spray, nail polish, my selfie stick, snacks, Wiggles and a back up can of hairspray. 

Tip 2. 
Chose a driver. General rule of thumb? Make sure I am not the driver. 

Tip 3.
Chose your outfit wisely. Velour is my outfit of choice for any car ride exceeding 8 miles.
Below is a Snooki inspired outfit of the 2012's. For those curious, this is currently still in full circulation. Much to my mother's chagrin, I refuse to accept the reality that Juicy Couture filed for bankruptcy and is now available at a Kohl's near you. 

Tip 4. 
Snacks. Never leave town without snacks. Sitting in a car for an extended period of time is the textbook definition of "a socially acceptable time to unbutton your pants". Therefore, if you are going to unbutton your pants anyways, you might as well indulge! A plethora of processed Hostess snacks makes for a good appetizer. Fried chicken is a solid second course, so long as you are wiping your hands on someone else's leather interior. If your road-trip partner wants to start the journey eating something healthy like Exhibit A, take this as an ominous sign. Though these drivers may offer the best company, their sustainable life choices may also exhibit themselves in mannerisms such as driving a Prius, fastening seat belts, safe speed adherence, mandated low music volume and denying McDonald's drive through. 

Exhibit A.                                                                                Exhibit B.
GOAL                                                                            REALITY

Tip 5.
Seek out Wifi. You do not want something major to happen on Facebook without your immediate knowledge. Worst case scenario, you are thirty minutes behind on current events because Google Maps overrode your social media's imprending push notifications. #21stcentryprobs

Tip 6.
Brake often for breaks. Because I have self diagnosed myself with hyperglycemia via an intensive reading of Wikipedia, it is imperative I break often... whether for a McDonald's drive thru or to complain about the lack of McDonald's drive thru. These frequent gastrointestinal refueling sessions may hinder our estimated arrival time, but more often than not, the pit stops prove socially productive. My overactive hunger pains have led me into the presence of some interesting people. Like a four-year-old mustached Disney princess. Or a JuiceBar -tender twinsie. 

Tip 7.
Switch drivers. General rule of thumb? Make sure I am not the relief driver. 

Tip 8.
Always ask for a status update. Repetition is key, Statistically speaking, the more often you ask, "Are we there yet?" the more likely someone is to answer, "Yes!". I like to restrain myself to asking four times every fifteen minutes, that way I can keep my bearings straight.

Tip 9.
Always celebrate arrival. I like to throw fistfuls of confetti and then expect someone else to pick it up. Normally, the confetti throwing commences at about the same time that I book a return flight home. Anything to save myself from the emotional and budget-al strains a the an impending return road-trip.

Tip 10.
Maybe don't road-trip with me?



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