a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Surviving 78 iPhone-less Hours

(A Tragic Love Story)

I cry easily.  I cry when my aerosol hairspray can is empty. I cry when I remember that I'm not a natural blonde. I cry when Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez break up. And I always cry when Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez get back together. It's a non- stop saline facial with me.

But recently I experienced a moment of personal growth.  How did I know that I had successfully embarked upon the painful journey of self "improvement"? Because I DIDN'T cry when I dropped my beloved iPhone into the toilet. (I did shriek hysterically, but there were no tears). 

So there I was, in the restroom of the National Portrait Gallery (obvi Instagram-stalking myself from the stall) when I JUST dropped my phone into the porcelain throne. As I have been trained in Natural Disaster Preparation, I knew that the first step was to immediately alert myself to the current danger posed by the situation; thousands of "Sarah Selfies" might be lost forever.

Step Two of my crisis management plan? Evacuate the survivors. Luckily, I carry latex gloves in my purse because I like to wear them as a protective barrier to keep my constantly sweating hands from sweating into my Kate Spade mittens. I fished the phone out. Screamed. Washed it under hot soap and water. Screamed. Wiped it with a spare Clorox wipe from my purse. And finally stopped screaming.

Next, I decided to charge my deceased iPhone, JIC(Just in Case). In hindsight, maybe not my best idea. I just figured if it did ever turn on, I would like it to have a full battery. Narrowly escaping electrocution, I left the water logged tech-toy plugged in the bathroom and continued my self-guided tour of the museum. 

When I finished the gallery tour, I began to process the severity of my situation. No iPhone meant no selfies, which meant no use for my selfie stick, which meant no form of weekend entertainment. I started to panic as the dire emergency of my situation sunk in.  

So I charged up the land-line and made some calls.

First, I called my parents. I surely thought two and a half hours without communication must be worrisome for J and A. It was not. Which worried me. They really should worry more about me (and my bank account). Then I started my voicemailing process. Voicemailing is one of my hobbies. (I should find a new hobby, one that makes my voice sound less manly when replayed aloud. I'll add that goal to my 2018 to-do list). After J and A, I voicemailed my Grandmother. Granny is always too busy to answer her favorite third oldest grandchild. Then I called my favorite roommate who was skiing and "too busy on a mountain with no reception". Its good to know that should I ever go missing, the response team would be one weekend too late. 

After voicemailing every phone number I had memorized, I contemplated how I would survive a weekend without a data plan.What did people do in their free time pre-iPhone? Luckily my iPad survived saturation, so I logged into my Instant-gram account and began scrolling. I'm addicted to the Instant-gram scroll in the most non-chemically dependent chemically dependent way. SideNote to J and A: if I am ever on life support and my fairy godmother grants me one wish? I wish to have one final Instant-gram scroll.

Since selfies were now out of the question, I decided to settle for the next best thing. A Polaroid. Disclaimer: do not try to take a selfie with a Polaroid. I was millimeters away from a dislocated elbow but thats besides the point. The point is... If I can't have an iPhone, iNeed a Polaroid.  

Another "silver lining" of my tech-less weekend had to be how easy it was to commission other people to take my picture. I think everyone felt bad for a 23 year-old girl living in the 21st century who had to play in the snow without an iPhone to document the process.  

Challenges included but were not limited to the following:
- Perpetually lost in the District. (Even though I live here)
- Having to watch the Oscars without social media's play by play. Did I really like Lupitia's dress or do I just like it because I like who likes it?  Without an iPhone, I had to watch the Oscars live and form my OWN opinions without's Instagram's influence. 
- No right swiping on Pet-Finder. (Pet-Finder: A Single Girl's Attempt to Find Love)

I spent Monday convincing J and A to keep me on the family phone plan... well really Monday was spent with J kindly reminding me that he does not charge me for my data overages and thus I couldn't afford not to be on his family phone plan. After work, I made the dreaded trip to Verizon. Sometimes I think Verizon trains their employees to be as unhelpful as possible while simultaneously making you pay as much as possible. My particular "assigned helper" just did not want to process the fact that I didn't need a car charger because I didn't have a car.

So half a pay check later and I am holding my new iPhone 7. Technically, its a iPhone 6 but I'm validating the price tag by referring to it as an iPhone 7. The not too nice and not so helpful Verizon man activated my phone. As soon as the new phone was on, I checked the text messages. I told him something was wrong with the phone and I needed a newer one. He looked at me, unenthused. I said "Something has to be wrong with the phone because it was off all weekend so I should have like ALOT of text messages. I know this phone is broken because its not showing any new text messages." He said, not so nicely, "Lady. No one has texted since Friday morning."

Looks like I probably could have survived more than 78 iPhone-less hours. 


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