a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

How to Horse Race without Owning a Horse

Since my parents J and A never succumbed to my 6th birthday wish and never gave me a pony, I am part of the 96% of America without a vested financial interest in horse racing. However I am part of the 96% of America that enjoys dressing up and pretending to have a vested interest in horse racing for the Instant gram potential.

How to I Gold Cupped 2015:

1. She with the most accessories wins.
  Since I wouldn't describe myself as a 'light packer' I always ask myself, "Why under-accessorize when you you can over-accessorize? Why exercise when you can wear heavy jewelry?". Or in Gold Cup's specific case, why only wear three cross body bags when you could wear four? Who cares that this is only a 4 hour event. (I can't image having a child and having to carry accessories for them, especially when airlines only give you two carry on items. This is one of many reasons I need to find someone deranged enough to marry me/be my Sherpa/ carry my airplane carry on's).

2. Find the best looking group of people and stand as close to them as possible. I like to take full advantage of the optical illusion principle: The better looking people I stand next to, the less bad I look. Distract the good looking people by saying things like, "Wow I love your hair",  and the next thing you know, you are sitting next to them on Bus 3. The Compliment Distraction Theory works 24% of the time. 

3. If you can't make it onto a bus of ridiculously good looking people, borrow your father's new car. Park it somewhere super safe, like in-between rows of port-a-potties. It's not like hundred of drunken hooligans will be recklessly leaning against it, staging photo shoots as they stand in line waiting to break the seal. 

4. Speaking of port-a-potties, they make a great photo back drop. 

5. If your sterling silver mint julep cups delivery was delayed due to a rare mix-up at Sotheby's Estate sale, then plastic cups will have to make do*
* Plastic cups are only an acceptable substitute after all porcelain, ivory, gold plated and jewel encrusted cup resources have been exhausted.  

6. Consider wine stain potential  when considering an outfit. Few can be trusted wearing white and even fewer can be trusted around white.

7. Don't trust the quality and caliber of a tent's catered buffet. Instead, always be prepared. Why else would Kate Spade cross body bags have an external pocket perfectly engineered for a Chick-fil-A Crispy Chicken Sandwich?

8. She who tweet-text-grams the most wins. What is the point of attending an event if your 1,125 closest Facebook friends aren't aware of your current location?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

9. The art of successful selfies requires three steps: perfectly painted nails, candid laughing, and a wide wing span. An iPhone front camera is preferable, but a Canon DSRL can also be applicable if you are comfortable taking financial life risks. 

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

10. The final horse race does not signify the end of a horse racing event for a thoroughbred day drinker. Make sure you spend the bus ride home re-hydrating. Preferably with both hands. 

Thank you to all of the beautiful people who made horsing around so aesthetically pleasing.

Though I am no closer to the average  jockey's BMI, I like to think I am one small step closer to being invited to next year's Kentucky Derby. (And that is only because I met someone who lives in Kentucky but I can't image it's that large of a state.) In the meantime, I have submitted my 2015 birthday wish list to my parents J and A, informing them that I would be willing to accept a pony 18 years after my initial request but just in time for Gold Cup 2016 .


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