a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Real World Survival Kit


My purse (entertainment console) for the Graduation ceremony 


I spent the weekend celebrating my favorite sister (only sister) as she graduated from college. The weekend proved both educational and reflective. I learned that college boys do not find me attractive and, as the commencement speaker extolled, I need to have my own HBO go account and stop milking my parents for all their internet subscription is worth.  As the CEO of  HBO addressed the graduates, the only thing I absorbed is that there is an imperative need for bad spray tan cure. (Poor Guy- You would think that with a net worth of $28M, he would have mastered the $25 dollar spray tan)

16 seconds into Richard Plepler's speech my mind began to wander and I started to reflect on  topics I would include in my own memoir, which will be titled, "That Would Not  Have Happened to Me if I Was Wearing a Crop Top- The Adventures of Sarah B. Keating”.  I thought about the things I have learned since leaving college on the off chance that my sister were to ask me, (she won’t), and were to listen to my insight, (she defiantly won’t). This is what I would tell her on the four topics that matter:


On Living-

 Live with your parents as long as possible. Living at home is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am sure J and A would say the same. If you start to sense tension or they say snide things like, "Are you thinking of getting less space in your own place?” or “How much do you want to contribute to electric bill?" remind your mother that she housed you in her womb for 9 months so what is another three years?


If your parents offer your room to host an exchange student (which happened to me.... despite our numerous guest rooms), start looking for housing alternatives. I looked no further than my mother's college roommate’s daughter because she is pretty much legally and emotionally obligated to love me. I’m obsessed with her! Not just because she is prettier than me, (especially when my bowl cut and I were younger) but because she is the best thing to happen to me since microwavable oatmeal. 




Live in the city. Everyone cool does it which is why everyone ‘cool’ is poor. Except for the Olsen twins- they are rich ,cool, and live in the city. 

DC or Toyko ?


Living in the city, which is code for putting 146% of your monthly income towards rent, means that less is expected of you gift wise on holidays and birthdays. Just remind everyone that love is free and clearance items from TJMaxx are normally a crowd pleaser.

Me -living in the city- and carrying a recently purchased cutting board I found on a TJMaxx clearance shelf. If I remember correctly, the gift recipient did not even cook. 

On Finances-  

Don’t listen to my financial advice. My checking account constantly fluctuates between $9 and $63.  I can only blame myself, my shopping addiction and SJP's inspirational motto which rings (cha-chings) between my ears, "I like my money where I can see it...hanging in my closet".

Invest in two things: Internet Speed and a Great Bag. My investment bag is named Millie. She is a blue, plush, sparkle stuffed animal dog in the shape of a purse. I found her in the girls section of Target but I would appraise her as well worth the investment of $9. Millie and I peaked the night a guy accidentally ordered one too many beers at the bar and awkwardly handed me one WHILE I was holding Millie!  





On Dating-

Between my last relationship accidentally ending and my inability to afford my own dinners, I started dating. Since the majority of men avoid making eye contact with me publicly, especially while I am clutching Millie, I downloaded every online dating app available.  Though the only thing I learned from dating was how to do it incorrectly, here are experts from my favorite courting conversations. 


I've learned that a bad first date and a worse second date does not equal a good third date. And silence is the best rejection policy. 



I learned that if one or more words is spelled incorrectly and the text is sent after 1:15am, best not to respond. Though I have heard... If they don't text you when their drunk, they aren't the one. 




I think better pick- up lines and a more photogenic face would help me fill my Match.com Mailbox.  One time I did get a message from a mother asking me to date her 43 year old son in the Boon Docks, West Virginia. I wish I saved that notification email.

On Working-

Don't start doing it.


But if you absolutely have to... seek office environments that are receptive to the college lifestyle 'transition'. Like hangover acceptance policies, treadmill desks, catered breakfasts, Tequila Tuesdays, unlimited Paid Time Off,  and kitten wall stickers. 





2 years out of school and I am still on a learning curve and the personal growth I've experienced is most notably in my waist's width wise department.  My best advice to my sister would be, "Don't take my advice" 


xo
B

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