Why You Should Invite Me to Your Backyard BBQ

I do my best competitive eating in the summer. When I am not busy sunburning my belly bulge, I am trying to procure an invitation to a backyard BBQ.  As history repeats itself often, I seem to only get invited when the guest list is low enough to include stuffed animals. But that detail does not detract or deter me from my life's passion of buffet style food. 

Upon arrival, I am always easy to spot. I am either about to spill, currently spilling or about to apologize for spilling. I do not recommend inviting me inside of your home, similar to the way you would not invite a feral cat into your home. The good news is I am a "conversational artist", which I define as 'someone who repeats the same sentence at progressively louder intervals while simultaneously ignoring what the other party may be saying or thinking'. Though some people (most people) find me impossible to converse with me, Grandmothers love me. 

 I may steal your dog in effort to diversify my Instant-gram portfolio but don't worry, your children are completely safe.  I have a negative interest in parenting anything that has the ability to talk. When I am not trying to steal your dog or running away from your children, I will likely be grass-staining my white dress. These grass stains can always be attributed to my shoe choice... wearing wedges is part of my daily fitness routine. Due to my refusal to exercise, wedge sandals are my last line of defense in looking leggy and thin. But don't look at my legs too closely because there is a 150% chance I forgot to shave them.

The best part of inviting me to your BBQ, (besides me finally leaving) is I want to be your friend so badly that I will 'offer' to stay and help clean up. You will probably decline and instead offer to clean me up as my previously white outfit will look like it was used as a paper napkin in a chicken wing eating contest. What can I say? My life motto is that of a preschooler: A clean outfit means a bad time.

So, what time should I come over Sunday?

xo

B