a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

What I Learned from My Intern

When I learned that my work team had earned ourselves an intern, I had A LOT of feelings. (As per usual on any given day that ends in 'day'). This was my reactionary thought process upon hearing the news- An intern? Wait. Waaiiittt. WHAT? WHY! What happens if she is cooler than me? What if she ignores my Facebook friend request? What if she can pull off crop tops? What if she refuses to take part in my staged Instagram photo shoots?  What if she doesn't want to follow me on Instagram? What if she doesn't have an Instagram?  It only took a few moments for me to start crying.

Then our intern sauntered in. And all of my fearful thoughts became a reality. He was textbook 'cooler' than me. He had more Instagram followers. 2Chainz was his Facebook cover photo. He had a better eyebrow shape. He probably used his gym membership. He had better weekend plans. He wore matching socks. He didn't support my Instagram photo shoots or wedge sneakers. And he didn't think I was funny. My nightmare. 

He winked, did a Brad-Pitt-red-carpet--inspired head nod/wink sequence and then ‘smize’ed.

And with NO work experience necessary, I immediately crowned him 'Intern of the Day'... steep competition since he was only competing against himself. This was a well deserved title since he has just walked onto a team of nine, mostly single girls, in the wedding planning industry whose hobbies are eating bagels while talking about weight loss and becoming too emotionally invested in the Bachelorette.  

Do you feel bad for Josh? Don't. Josh learned invaluable life lessons associated with the inner workings of a woman's brain. If he did his homework, this is what Josh learned:

Lesson #1. When trying to establish common ground with the majority of women, tell them you know what a blog is. If you want to blow them away- tell them you have a blog. When Josh casually mentioned his blog, I was like  “uhhhhhhhh JOSH…. WHERE’S THE DOTTED LINE? WHERE CAN I SIGN? I want to be BFF’s LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!!!’ Meanwhile, Josh was probably thinking something like, “Wait, what's your name again? Do you even work here?” But moments later I was subscribing to his basketball blog Talking Hardwood,  pretending to know the difference between a puck drop and return kick.

Lesson # 2. Fact: Some women spend 135% of their time talking about dieting. During said conversations, it is imperative that you refrain from pointing out obvious facts like the current complainer is eating her second doughnut. Instead chirp in supportive tips like, "Don't worry! Your diet doesn't start until tomorrow!" or "Calories don't count when you don't want them too!'" And it is highly recommended that you never say, "'Wow Sarah... How can you possibly be hungry again?! I just watched you eat two McDoubles!"

Lesson #3. Never admit that the reason you take your laptop home every day is because you are afraid that if you don't... someone might creep into the office and steal it after hours. As soon as you admit to this unnecessary safety procedure, a safety procedure that no one else in the office follows, your computer will go missing and might... hypothetically... end up hidden in the 'Feminine Hygiene Products' drawer of the office. 

Lesson #4. A bride's imagination never sleeps and you better hope it is not your job to bridge the gap between imagination and reality. The following is a factual request I delegated to Josh... "Hello, wedding cake topper carved from wood with 2 penguins facing each other with their heads bowed slightly with beaks and tummy touching to form a heart shape.”  This was the only day Josh didn't win 'Intern of the Day'. 

But what did I learn from Josh? According to him, "Not even a tribal sleeve tattoo could make me cool.” *Noted Josh.... Noted.

But what did Josh learn from us? Everything. And by everything I mean the most important thing... Tinder Opening Lines. What else could be more valuable to a college senior gearing up to enter the real world?

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