a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

The Mom Way or the Highway

On a recent return flight from the Sunshine State, all my "i" technology died and I was left to my own (non-technological) devices.  Too germaphobic to consider touching the in-flight magazines, the only thing left to do was order my 4th Diet Coke of the day. The DC's warm carcinogens got my mind moving and next thing I know I was scribbling on the back of my cocktail napkin. (The front side of said napkin had been used to play myself in Hangman. I quit playing after losing two games in a row....). I leaned back in the seat and read the re-vamped life goals I had just created for myself:

1. Botox my brow-line ASAP; honestly that needed to start yesterday if I was serious about pursuing a selfie career.
2. Find a way to make highlighting my hair color a medically mandated procedure and thus an insurance deductible
2. I solemnly vow to make my primary form of exercise would be wearing heavy jewelry.

But my most profound new life goal?
4.  Since me working out is not ever going to be something that 'works out', I am committing myself to a lifetime of one piece bathing suits

The plane landed and I waltzed out the gangway ready to take my "early-onset-mom-style"** to a whole new aquatic level.

**Not that my gorgeous mother, ever so affectionately known as A,  has ever EVER been sentenced to a one piece.  # TBT Sidenote: Before a 2013 family vacation to Mayakoba, a Victoria Secret package arrived at my parent's house. I thought "Great! A ordered me new bathing suits!"  Wrong. A ordered herself new bikinis.  

SOOOO as I traipsed through the airport, delirious in my Diet Coke endorphin induced chemical high, I knew I was on to something. Especially since Beyonce once wore a one piece once and I am just a couple Grammys away from Beyonce. And why wouldn't you want to metaphorically ride down the mom-way coolness highway? 

-  With a 1 piece there is a 100% chance you won't lose your bottoms in the ocean. Don't think losing your bikini bottoms can happen to you? Well it can. Because it happens to me 100% of the time I take them.
- This bathing suit is the strawberry daiquiri/swim up bar's best friend.  # Goodbye belly bulge. #Hello photo op insurance plan.  A one piece is the one way to hide the 5:00 pm five beer happy hour.
- PLUS one pieces are normally on sale because not everyone outside of the baby pool and  competitive swimming sees the suit's appeal... YET!

My only experienced downsides is the one time a three year old called me 'Mommy'. Then there is the obvious fact that I had to obviously give up my pipe dream of wearing a belly chain but then again that probably might be for the best. I just hope that my grandmother can see how serious I take the one-piece and finally deems me worthy of her water aerobics class. 

                                                             #tbt to the bikini. #onepeices 4 life 


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