a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

'Twas the week after Thanksgiving....

... and all I could think about was my December to-dos. Having just given thanks for all things important in my life, like the duck-lip-selfie pose and strong wifi signals, it was officially time to embark upon the season of giving eating. The first thing to do on my December agenda? Buy more elastic waist pants. Number dos? Christmas Tree. For years, my selection criteria has been very stringent.... 

I need a tree that makes me look thin. 

After all, this tree will serve as the backdrop foliage for the next 3-4 weeks of my staged Instagram photo shoots. And at the rate I post 'gram pics, that is like at least 300-400 photos. Once I am convinced that I am thinner than the tree, next is choosing the tree's name. As everyone knows, Christmas is the best season to honor the greatest rap legends of the 1990's. I named this year's tree Petey, who like his namesake Petey Pablo, hails from the great helicoptering state of North Carolina.

Once someone else has paid for the tree and another someone else has tied the tree to their car, it is time to drive home. To ensure survival on all fronts, please do not let me take part in any of these processes, including driving.

The car ride home is an ideal time to delegate Christmas Tree roles. It is imperative that there be one person who believes in manual labor and one person who strongly opposes manual labor.  The person who believe in it assumes sole responsibility for the entire process from bringing the tree inside, affixing the tree in the stand, stringing lights, and ultimately decorating. In most cases, the person who does not believe in manual labor usually has a name that starts with an 'S' and ends with 'arah'. Nevertheless, the person in this non-manual labor performing role must be VERY very talented at both verbal encouragement and pouring a glass of wine.

Just as the labor intensive jobs are almost finished, remind that person that the most important task is upon them.  It is time for them to photograph your holiday photo shoot! At this point, the manual labor performing person might gripe saying things they don't mean  like, "Wait. Really?" or "You really are my Social Media Queen living for the like count!" or worst of all, "What if one likes this Instagram post?"  If  When this happens to you, simply hand the manual labor preforming person a glass of wine and continue your bout of verbal encouragement.  Eventually you will arrive at your desired end product of the Christmas Tree endeavor: an Instagram post. 

 Once I confirm via Snapchat that I have accomplished two of my December tasks of a.)buying myself more (preferably maternity) stretch waist pants and b.) having had someone else assemble and then photoshoot me in front of the Christmas tree, I move onto the third holiday objective. The Keating Kristmas Kard.

Finalizing the photo used in the family Christmas card is an emotionally distressing activity for me. Do you know what it’s like to be the fifth wheel on a family of four Ralph Lauren catalog models? My super model sister looks even more super model-like whenever I am in the vicinity and my teenage brother became a stud all of a sudden. Even our family dogs are more photogenic than me.

 I love December. In what other month is mailing my friends solo head shots of myself a semi-acceptable thing to do?


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