a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Determining the Perfect Travel Partner

I love to travel. ... and by “travel” I mean seek the world over for the calming effect of a wifi signal strong enough to stream Bravo television. Could I stream Bravo television shows from Suburbia, America? Yes. But can I get a really really REALLY good Snapchat geofilter tags in Suburbia, America? Absolutely not. Besides.. my current collection of passport stamps is one of the only things I have going for me during this winter's weight gain.

So as I continue to choose my destination country based on the colors of it's Custom and Immigration passport stamps, I will also continue to look for the following attributes in a travel partner: 

1. They need to pack an extra toothbrush.
My twenty four years of co-dependence is exemplified by the fact that I NEVER remember to pack my toothbrush. So when this happens, (which it always does), I just turn to my travel companion and remind them, "Sharing is caring! Toothbrushes included!," at which the point the the person with a toothbrush promptly retorts with, "I don't care about you that much." Therefore, the solution to this scenario is always travel with someone who travels with an extra toothbrush. 

2. They need to be physically fit.
Since I am a heavy packer allergic to carrying my own luggage, I find it useful to invite someone else to carry my duffle bags. This ensures that both of my hands stay free and available to carry my most precious cargo; my selfie stick. In addition to their luggage responsibility, I request that the invited individual is a licensed Instagram photographer capable of capturing my critical 'candid' moments that may be out of my selfie stick's reach. 

3. They need to be accepting.
I need someone who accepts my petrifying passport photos. You would think that being a dual citizen I would have a 50% better chance of having a good passport photo, but you are 100% incorrect. 

And on the topic of an acceptance, I NEED need need a travel partner who won't judge the color of my hair soaking wet. Like I totally get it, when I come out of the pool or shower my roots are basically black. My hairdresser and I have been fighting this battle against evolution for years and we are not winning.

4. They need to subscribe to the SarahBKitten false sense of reality.
When I lived in Tanzania, I tried to convince everyone that I was Hilary Duff. Did it ever work? No. Did I still try every day? Maybe. Yes. Did my fellow travelers enjoy it as much as I did? I don't remember because I block out memories of people saying mean things to me. 

In the final gathering of evidence for phase one of my SarahBKeating Travel Tour Guide, I felt brave enough to poll previous survivors of my travel tours. I collected the following feedback:

BFF - "Do you remember when we were in Italy and it took you like a day and half to realize the map was in Italian?"

Other BFF- "I am just glad we’re friends because wherever we go, you make me look normal."

Bae- "Do you remember when we almost missed our flight because TSA security wouldn't let you bring your inflated Hello Kitty balloon through so I had to deflate it? Can you remind me again why you couldn't have just thrown the balloon animal away like any other rational 7 year old girl?”

Heterosexual straight male friend- "Living with you in London can only be summed up by my saying...I definitely didn't fall in love with you."

So I guess the real question isn't can I travel with you, the question is, Can you travel with me?


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