a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

How IKEA Made Me Cry 7 Times in 72 Hours

The worst decision I made last Wednesday was accidentally creating a Pinterest account. I was just minding my own business (and by “minding my own business”, I mean obsessively checking my Google News Alerts for "Justin Beiber's Girlfriend") when I was redirected to Pinterest.com. The website mandated that I create an account before they would show me the image results, and since I am not one to turn down JBeibs images, I signed up. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, there is a solemn oath that all Pinterest users take when they agree to the Terms of Use? Apparently the oath dictates that, "If thou has a Pinterest account, thou must also have a bar cart." 

So what does any 24 year old with a two day old Pinterest addition, a $40 budget, and 6 cans of spray paint do? 

She goes to IKEA. But if you are a 24 year old named SarahBKeating? First you go to IKEA. And then you cry seven times in the subsequent process of IKEA-hacking a baby changing table into a bar cart. 

Tear Shed Scene 1. (Setting: Checkout register at IKEA).  I allow myself to go to IKEA because of the hot dog special. Did you know that you can buy 2 hot dogs for $1 at the IKEA register? The only caveat is that you have to walk through the entire store which means that my hot dogs that should cost $0.50 each actually cost $231.00 each because on the way to the hot dog stand, I impulsively bought an entire patio set for my non existent patio. 

Tear Shed Scene 2. (Setting: Suburbia).  Tears are shed the moment I open the IKEA box. Does IKEA stand for Advanced Adult Legos in Swedish? It takes me a moment to realize that this DIY experience is going to be much more physically and mentally taxing than the two clicks it takes for me to 'Add to my cart' and 'Complete Checkout'  when online shopping.

Tear Shed Scene 3.(Setting: Suburbia) After getting pink spray paint everywhere in the ten foot radius of my intended target, bae tells me I need to wait 24 hours between each spray paint coat. And I need three coats. So basically I have to wait 18 years. Tears. Instantly. 

Tear Shed Scene 4. (Setting: Suburbia) Now considering myself a sniper with my spray paint can, I ask bae if I can spray paint the back siding of his house pink. He says, "No." Guess what happens? I don't NOT cry.... 

Tear Shed Scene 5. (Setting: My office) Bae calls me at work. In the gentlest, most humane way possible, he tells me that when I spray painted the wood, I actually spray painted it to the cardboard which means the cardboard/paint/wood concoction dried together and we are going to have to sand the wood and start over. I almost don't hear him say, "Don't worry! Have already sanded it for you Sarah" over the sounds of my own sobs.  

Tear Shed Scene 6. (Setting: Suburbia) THE DAY THE BAR CART IS MADE. I wake up at 7:00am Saturday morning and RUN outside to inspect my handiwork (well at this point it is technically 150% bae's handiwork). I begin assembly. But somewhere between step 0 and step 1, I built the main piece upside down, rendering the rest of the steps impossible. Cue the hysterics. HYSTERICS. I spent the next 2 hours cursing the entire GDP of Sweden, which I assume is IKEA. Finally it is 9:00am, the earliest appointed time I am allowed to wake up bae on the weekend. I storm inside and announce in tear-filled hysterics that my once anticipated bar cart is actually just a heaping pile of pink wood and I hope the squirrels of suburbia can appreciate it. 

Tear Shed Scene 7. (Setting: Suburbia)  The tears of frustration torrent down in the three minutes it takes bae to saunter outside, take one look at my squirrel playground, wave his magical Maine hands and then MYTHICALLY re-assemble it into a bar cart. Sorry squirrels. 

Tear Shed Scene 8.(Setting: Suburbia)  In true fashion fitting of any mature 24 year old girl, I cried when I realized this DIY project was finished. Not only did I kinda enjoy it but maybe JUST MAYBE IKEA might be my fourth favorite thing in the world. After McDonald's, Justin Bieber and bae. 


No comments