a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

I Love Teenage Boys (and 'Norts)

In the most legal, most platonic, and least “To Catch a Preditor” way possible, I love teenage boys.* (* This only refers to the specific subset of teenage boys who make the conscious and repeated effort to wear deodorant daily. Ever wonder why any adult driving a car full of teens has the windows down? Here is a hint: it starts with “body” and ends with “odor”.)

Despite the fact that the majority of teenage boys tend to smell like wet, molding sponges, these creatures actually have incredible insights to offer the world. Below are two of the most useful lessons I learned while hanging out (okay...technically I was chaperoning) my younger brother.

First Lesson: “If a girl opens one of your Snapchats and then snaps you back in a private message, then she is totally into you. You should definitely snap her back at least three times immediately. Then, if you snap each other more than three times, then you are going out. She is your girlfriend and you are dating. BUT if she doesn’t send you a selfie back and just looks at your selfie, then you better start freaking out and block her because she is not into you, she is into your best friend.  No exceptions.”

Second Lesson:  “You should always wear black socks. It doesn’t matter what you are wearing, you should totally just always wear black socks. Because black socks never get dirty… that is ‘cause they are already black.”

I know what you are thinking because I thought the exact same thing! “WOW! Teenage boys literally know everything… except how to apply deodorant.”  

So you can imagine my delight when I learned that, for the second summer in a row, my work team had earned ourselves a male, nineteen year old intern named Corey. Once I confirmed in a totally HR appropriate way that he was a confirmed deodorant wearer, I opened my pink Hello Kitty sparkle notebook and started scribbling down all the important life questions I needed answered like “Are Nike running shorts still cool and do people still call them 'norts?”

Sidebar: Mom and Dad- IF you are reading this blog post or the more likely situation where I am reading this blog aloud to you when we are in a moving vehicle and you have no other option but to listen to me tell you how funny I think I am... let me just quickly remind you that 'norts' are Nike Running Shorts. They are the ones with the white stripe and runder-wear underpants built into this that were super cool and are potentially not cool anymore. I am currently VERY stressed out that 'norts' aren't cool anymore but this is what they look like JIC. (Just in Case)

So when our intern finished intern orientation, I picked him up and the follow scene played out:

Sarah: CCOOOCCCOOO!!!!!!!!  Is that okay if I call you Coco? No? But I really like it! WAIT!! Wait!! Lets take a selfie. Okay READY GO!

Anyways Coco Welcome to WeddingWire! I hope you love love! I love love! I love Justin Beiber. I hope he and Selena end up together. I just love them. I feel like they love me too. One time, I looked at a picture of Justin in a magazine and it honestly looked like he was looking right at me. I bet he was. I also bet you are wondering if I am a natural blonde. I am. Well I used to be. Well like not technically. Wait enough about you COCO. Let’s get down to the important aspects of your internship. I need to ask you a really important question.  Are ‘norts’ still cool?
Corey: What is a norts?
Sarah: ***Tries not to cry and makes mental note to return the pair ‘norts’ ((Nike Shorts)) she just bought on Clearance as she realizes that the reason these shorts were marked 75% off is because apparently no one cool has bought a pair since Britney Spears's meltdown. *****
End Scene.

I decided to forgive Corey his lapse in cultural relevance even though, I am pretty sure even my stuff animals known what 'norts' are and instead decided to devote my entire summer to teaching Coco all of the fundamental skills he would need to rush a sorority, #how-selfless-of-me. This is in spite of both of the facts that 1. I have never been in a sorority and 2. Corey is already an accomplished student /athlete /fraternity star and his resume does not necessarily need any additional rounding that a sorority could offer him. But THEN AGAIN, lets face it.... in this Instragram reality we live in, even BMOCs (Mom- BMOC stands for Big Man on Campus) need to know how to style helium balloons, correctly sprinkle confetti and the true purpose of Pedialyte.

At the end of our summer together, Coco graduated the Sarah B Kitten School of Cool light years ahead of his peers. Is it relevant to this accomplishment that Coco was the only student enrolled in the Sarah B Kitten School of Cool, and that the program's graduation requirement is 'Follow @SarahBKitten on Instagram"? No. That fact is not relevant to this accomplishment, and besides, "a winner is a winner... no matter how many people don't compete". Or at least that is what I say.

At our final co-worker/teacher conference, I asked Coco two questions: 1. Have you thought about what you are going to give me for my birthday? and equally as importantly... 2. Would you acknowledge me in public if you were around your cool teenaged friends? Coco responded, "1. Check your GMail inbox on your birthday and 2. I would acknowledge you in public but only if you were not wearing 'norts. 

And in that moment, I can’t say I have ever been prouder of an intern. Even if there were no other educational take-aways from his summer working with 400 wedding obsessed girls besides "I am never getting married", I am still so proud of Coco. Why? Because he now knows the cultural significance of ‘norts. And that knowledge itself is a critical piece of American History.

P.S. Would you like to know what Coco e-mailed me on my birthday that cemented our friendship? See below:

Best present/email you could deliver to a certain vain twenty five year old whose name starts with 'S' and ends with 'arah B. Keating' Best. Summer Intern (of 2016). Ever.



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