a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Note to Self: Check Email

I write a lot of notes to myself. Like Note to Self: Brush Teeth At Least Weekly and Note to Self: Apply Deodorant Daily. But the digital fallout of last month has me adding another mental note to myself.  

Note to self: Check Email.

I think there are two types of Americans. Correction. I think there are two types of iPhone owning Americans. Of those iPhone Americans, there are two distinct categories. Category A: Those who check and clear their red notifications and Category B: those who do not. Guess what kind I am? Here is a screenshot of my homescreen as a hint:

You might assume that as a shop-o-holic Generation Y-er, I would check my email as often as I breathe. But I don’t. **Just to clarify, I am much more consistent at remembering to breathe than I am at checking my emails but essentially I check my email inbox as often as I check my condo mailbox…. Which is never.

I think my friends who are email marketers would shudder if they knew their career’s work is still a bold, unread text in my inbox. In my defense, the majority of my emails are E-cards I have sent myself, Match.com notifiying me that I do not have any matches, or my parents J and A sending me an invoice for the $1.99 Red Box charge I "magic swiped" on the AmEx. (*Magic swipes are what I call swiping someone else's credit card for something that directly benefits me It is magic money! )

So even though I avoid most emails in my inbox for reasons relating to prue denial… not checking my email has resulted in slight inconveniences. Like when I have to physically show up at an airport or classroom to find out about a cancellation or when I arrived at the Kennedy Center 2.5 hours early because I wasn’t aware that I had purchased tickets for the later show.

However, not checking my email escalated from a “slight inconvenience” into a “full blown crisis” last month. Last month, the Gods of Technology finally took their vengeance on me for my years of ignoring my electronic mailbox and decided to delete 5,355 photos and 15 video.

No LITERALLY, I lost 5,355 photos as a direct result of not checking my email. Whoops?

Apparently my iCloud decided to cyber-eat all of my photos and then sent me 15 “warning” emails over 30 days. But guess what day I decided to check my email? 36 days after the first warning which was 6 days too late.

Honestly, out of everyone in the world, Big Brother Apple should KNOW I don't check my email. I know they know everything about me anyways. So who am I blaming for this mass exodus of digital files? I sure am NOT blaming myself. I am perfect. Though this point may be up for debate since I did spend the entire month of September ignoring 16,000 unread emails.  

So how did I discover that my photos were gone?

It's not like I had a life epiphany and decided to dedicate an entire weekend to cleaning out my inbox and I didn’t randomly decide to check my email. I figured it when when I was trying to find a specific selfie for one of my co-workers. When I clicked on “My Photos’, I saw that instead of 5,355 photos…. I had 80 photos.

I freaked out. My un-sympathetic colleague immediately retorted, “This is probably for the better. How many selfies did you have on your phone anyways?” I ignored her and made a mental note to myself not to refuse to autograph said co-worker’s Kindle when my future Selfie Book was finally published.

As soon as I stopped sobbing, I called Apple. I do not think the “Missing Files” department of Apple puts their employees through Sympathy Training because the woman’s first statement was …. “We emailed you.”

WHAT!! I screamed … “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU EMAILED ME!! WHO EMAILS ANYMORE? WHAT IS THIS THE 90S? YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME!!!” (I did not admit that my voicemail box had been full for the last year but that's besides the point).

She then informed me that I should search the subject: “Urgent: iCloud Files to be Deleted”. I did. There were 15 un-read emails. Whoops?

I asked her if we could restore them. She said…...”No”. She then reiterated her first statement not so nicely, saying “Ms. Keating…. We emailed you 15 times”

Yes. Yes TECHNICALLY you did Apple. You emailed me 15 times, but you did it at the same time as 15,999 other people and I don’t have as many assistants as Beyonce so how can I ever get through that many emails? I hung up the phone and made a one last mental note for the day:

Note to self: Check if “Unread Email Hoarding” is listed as an endorsable talent on LinkedIn.


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