a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Dear Santa




Dear Santa,

I have been a “good” kitten. Obviously “good” is a relative word, but since I didn’t join ISIS and didn’t participate in purchasing anything on Cyber Monday then I’d say that by universal standards… I am pretty perfect. (Except I am sorry about the time I returned the J.Crew earrings after I wore them. I know that was bad but I also needed to reallocate that money to a different J.Crew purchase).

My WishList

1. Magic Swipes. I would like to have a credit card that is not linked to my bank account. 

2. Ripped jeans that actually keep my knees warms. Santa…. You know how obsessed I am with being trendy but this trend is affecting my internal body temperature. Speaking of trends, I would like you to make fanny packs trendy again. 

3. Naturally blonde hair. Please see Christmas Lists from 1991-Present that also make this same request.

4. New earlobes or like an ear job? Not sure if this exists but I know that doberman pinschers can get their ears pinned so I would like to have mine “fixed” too. I am afraid that years of wearing heavy earrings has increased my ear lobe size and I would like this reduced so I can continue wearing fishing lure like earrings without suffering any repercussions.

5.A car that doesn’t run out of gas. Not that I pay for my own gas (J and A put a stop to that when I admitted I put the cheapest gas in their not so cheap cars), but because pumping gas in the winter is the actual worst. Though I bet the detainees in Gitmo would say waterboarding is actually worse but hey… it's all relative. 

6.New Netflix Series. One of my many personal faults is that I can not watch the same TV shows or movies twice. If I have seen an episode or movie once, then I have no interest in watching it again, which means I constantly need new programs to watch. I would like the producers at Netflix to create a new show that is a mix of Narcos, The Bachelor, and Game of Thrones, but without the subtitles of Narcos and without the bloody gore of Game of Thrones and with all the love and feelings of the Bachelor.

7.A legit unlimited phone data plan. Like legit unlimited. 

8. Endless supply of earring backs. I literally lose earring backs as often as I shower which is “Not everyday but at least once a week”

9. World Peace and every other selfless wish that makes my all American consumption obsession marginally more palatable.

So Santa, I would be happy to show you all the photos Facebook tagged me in this year to prove how well behaved and deserving I am this year. Also… did you notice that I started recycling this year and then there was that one time that I folded my roommate’s laundry. A-Plus human status if you ask me but I am a little biased. 

Xo
B

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