a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Preparing for Patagonia


Last month, my mother asked our family if anyone wanted to go to Patagonia with her. I immediately said, “YES! I’ve been wanting a new Patagonia vest!!!" 



Turns out my mother meant the region, not the store. Classic mixup.




... “That's fine!,” I thought, “My Instagram account and I would love to go to Patagonia! And maybe @Chubbies will finally re-post a picture of me wearing their American Flag shorts doing something cool like looking at a mountain or something!”

Again, my mother corrected me, reminding me that the mountains don’t have wifi and I retorted, “You mean the mountains don’t have wifi yet. Let me just make a quick Face Time call to Mark Zuckerberg and we can borrow one of his wifi drones.” 

My father and sister bowed out of the trip citing alternative plans that did not involve sleeping on the ground. And I begun to comprehend that instead of buying me a new Patagonia vest, my mother was actually buying me an injury insurance package that covered mediavac by helicopter. My sister and father told me they think of me fondly from their California beach chairs. 

My brother asked, “Are you more worried about mom leaving you on the trail or not having wifi?” I told him, “I am not worried about mom leaving me behind because I can just get a ride in the van.” He laughed and said, “What van? There is no van.” He then relayed the conversation to my mother because I received the following text message from A-




I realized that I needed to get more serious about training besides just binge watching Netflix documentaries about “hiking Patagonia” and assigned myself to the following strict training regiment (that I am considering trademarking with Nike): 

1. To make sure I set realistic expectations for my hiking companions, I photoshopped a photo of myself into the Patagonian landscape and sent it to the group message. I wanted to make sure that everyone shared my vision for the trip. No one responded. I didn’t take it personally since the only person who consistency replies to my messages is my grandmother.



2. Searched for and then purchased a pair of pink hiking boots. This was one of my more challenging Google searches because ‘pink hiking boots’ did not return a lot of search result options. I have a feeling it had something to do with the fact that legit hikers pick their backpacking and hiking boots based on criteria more important than color.



3. Broke in my hiking boots by wearing them shopping. Though technically I drove to the store, I did walk around the store wearing them so that has got to count as #multitasking.




4. Dislocated my kneecap. Though this slight inconvenience (which was a direct result of dancing at a holiday party) was not an intended part of my training routine, I did get to use it as an excuse to immediately stop what little exercise I had previously considered doing.






5. Ordered pink knee braces. This was an easier Google search than “pink backpacking boots” so thank you to all the middle school girls cheerleading teams that created the market for pink injury accessories.



6. Booked a bae-cation to Florida. While there, I pushed myself to swim half a lap in the pool. I was going to finish the lap but then I hopped out of the pool so I could order onion rings instead. In that moment, I felt like eating vegetables was a better use of my training time.



7. On December 29th, 2016 (6 days before departure), I took the the stairs for the first time in recent memory. To be honest, this only happened because the elevator was broken BUT I am still counting this as a training exercise.




After the exhausting, two flight staircase climb of December 30th, I realized that I should probably stop trying to train because I don’t want to wear myself out. And I definitely don’t want to be too exhausted to post an Instagram from Patagonia. 


Plus I am hoping that the Outward Bound Course I completed in 2008 will magically carry me through this journey on the moments when my mother, brother and cousins refuse to. Because honestly, its not like you NEED athleticism and two working knees to backpack  10-15 miles a day with 3,000- 5,000ft elevation gains.  #sendprayers

xo
B





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