J.Crew's Sabotage of my Spring Wardrobe

There are a couple of things that set me apart from J.Crew’s catalog models. There are the obvious factual differences, like the fact that I weigh twice as much as two models combined or the fact that every time I try to look “candid” I actually look like I am mid-sneeze or post seizure.

So this spring, when the J.Crew catalog models started wearing silk neck scarves, I thought, “This could be it!! This trend could be the great equalizer!! Maybe I can look as good as a J.Crew model in a neck scarf!”.

Or, at the very least, this trend is much more forgiving and much less discriminatory than the crop top trend. I lost sleep over the crop top trend. Spring 2016 was an emotionally trying time for me and my mid-drift. Therefore, after the crop top tears of Spring 2016, I had a lot of self confidence riding on the neck scarfs of Spring 2017.

But instead of looking like the models, I looked kinda like a flight attendant, while at the exact same time kinda looking like a rodeo cowboy groupie? If my outfit had to a wear a name tag, it would say, “Hi! I am an outfit that you could wear working as a flight attendant and at the same time, I am ALSO an outfit that you could wear to a square dance at the Texas state fair.”

Confused? You should be. The outfit was confusing. I was confused. Every mirror I looked into was confused. Even this pug that I met was confused.

As confusing as I find the neck scarf trend, one thing is certain: Of all of my un-trendy phases, at least the neck scarf isn’t as bad as the thin eyebrow trend of the early 2000s. That trend of over-tweezing even looked bad on J.Crew models.

xo

B