a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

What Happened in Vegas

As someone who is the opposite of low maintenance, traveling with me is always complicated. TSA should consider issuing a travel advisory against me. I don’t know anyone else who has had to purchase 4 non-refundable tickets, arrived at the wrong airport, and then inverted the gate number and my seat number (A2 vs 2D). I need a t-shirt that says, “What Happened On My Way to Vegas?”.

In addition to stating the obvious suggestion of "DO NOT travel to Vegas with me or at the very least don't let me be in charge of purchasing your plane tickets" .... I can offer the following:

  • Make sure you pack your most comfortable and stylish shoes. (You can see in the image below that Matty was as thrilled with my footwear selection as I was)

  • To quote the acronym of favorite car brand BMW… Bring Money With you. I spent half my trip budget before I left the Las Vegas airport and then the mini bar in the room drank the other half of my budget. Budgeting money is not my strong suit but I am very VERY good at spending it.

  • Cash out when you are up. Don’t get overwhelmed by your winnings and let the false confidence go to your head. I don’t want to brag but I had some pretty big winnings in Vegas. I was up $3.04 and immediately made the mature decision to leave the casino. That $3.04 covers 67% of a McDonald’s cheeseburger and I wanted to show my boyfriend that I too can pull my financial weight in our fast food addition.

  • Don't be James.

  • If you run out of conversation topics, just tell people you like Nicki Minaj. Everyone in Las Vegas loves Nicki Minaj and they love talking about how much they love her.

  • Always have your camera ready. Celebrities are everywhere in Vegas and you will have a very small window of opportunity to take their picture. (See below: I only got a picture of her tail!!! I will NEVER forgive myself for ruing my only ever chance celebrity encounter)

Also, if you don’t think this dog with its pink tail is a celebrity than you need to get with the times. This dog has as many followers as Justin Bieber's fake account (which is still A LOT). See here : https://www.instagram.com/yuumyuu/ 

  • Not sure I trust the Las Vegas Pool Party Lifeguards with actual life saving. I think their thong bikini bottoms and 4 pounds of fake eyelashes a peice would be slightly preventative. However, Pamela Anderson is the most successful lifesaver of all time so maybe stop being so judgey of the lifeguards whose bikini tops looked like nipple tassels.

  • One of my favorite parts about being American is that we have harnessed the powers of technology for good. Can you think of a more positive cause to use technology than inventing robot bartenders who mix, pour, and serve your drink? Which is truly ideal since robots don’t get offended if you don’t tip.  

  • Go to the Mob Museum. I asked if they knew of any mobsters accepting applications for  “Hired Assassins.” But then I found out that mob assassins have to keep a low profile which means no Snapchat, no Facebook, and no Instagram, which also means… no way I am ever going to be a successful assassin. I quickly erased this item from my bucket list.

Though I almost didn’t make it home from Vegas (because I accidentally canceled my flight and when I tried to buy a new ticket, it was sold out), I realized that Las Vegas is like Dayton, Ohio. I only need to go there once and if TSA banned me from either airport, it wouldn't be a huge loss. Neither has a great Snapchat filter anyways.


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