a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Living My American (Photoshop-ed) Dream

My favorite part about being an American with an Adobe Photoshop subscription is knowing that anything is possible. If I want to be much thinner, much tanner, and dating my celebrity crush, Jonah Hill? Done. And here is a very realistic photo of us having a picnic in Central Park last weekend.   

So..... as someone who fully subscribes to taking full advantage of these technological advancements (aka using Photoshop), I have no idea why people still voluntarily do challenging activities like….hiking. Personally, instead of exhibiting the physical exertion required by actually hiking, I would rather Photoshop a photo of myself onto said mountain without ever needing to lift a hiking boot.

Below is the inspirational photo I sent to my family when a hiking trip to Patagonia was suggested:

My personal life style choice of favoring Photoshop over any sort of physical activity is not universally accepted. When my boyfriend's mother suggested a summer hike up Mt. Katadhdin, the tallest mountain in Maine, I immediately countered with an offer to Photoshop a photo of everyone on the summit instead. Unfortunately, she said.....  "Uh... No."

And since I am trying a new thing where I complain less, I packed my things and got ready to hit the moutain. I packed my hiking essentials. They included a large bottle of hair spray, a 6 pack of alcoholic seltzer water, a 6” monogram necklace, sticky boobs and nail polish. What did I forget? Hiking boots.

Looking at these photo, I realize that I was much better prepared for two days of Photoshop-ing and eating hot dogs than I was for actually participating in any real life activities (like hiking or gathering fire wood).  

When we finally arrived at base camp of Mt. Katadhin, I did the three things I do best:

1. Avoided helping unpack the car
2. Went shopping with the intent to purchase
3. Searched for a wifi network

I purchased the CUTEST red moose nightshirt (which I am modeling the picture above) from gift shop.Its a size XXL and says "I Moose Be Dreaming". The woman at the store only charged $14.00 which I think was a very affordable price of happiness. I was so distracted by all of the moose I met that I forgot to find wifi. Without wifi, I couldn't Google “the best excuses to get out of hiking Mt. Katahdin ASAP!!!”.

Next thing I know it is the next morning. And here is no way out of hiking. My arthritic knees and I woke up at 4:45am to embark on hardest hike this side of Antarctica.

I decided I should take some selfies, so that the world could remember my  #goodside in case my Uber helicopter couldn’t find me.

A couple steps into the mountain we were the Park Ranger. He probably definitely thought “ALERT: that blonde chick with the pink sneakers and pink knee tape tripping over rocks as she takes selfies should probably should be as far away from this mountain as possible!!!

Instead the ranger looked at our group and said, "Look, I wouldn’t recommend doing Knife’s Edge today” and then showed up this model and I started to panic.... OMG WHAT? THATS WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO HIKE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

But since no one else could hear the paniced voices inside my head..... everyone listened to my boyfriend Matt.
Matt reasoned, “Well we should still hike Knife Edge because we bought those plaques that say Knife Edge 1.1 Mi” and we can't return them. AND EVERYONE AGREED as if our was a perfectly reasonable reason to hike this death trap!! Honestly, if Matt's reasoning for why we should have hiked Knife Edge isn't an example of consumerism endangering innocent American lives… then I don’t know what is.

So we set out…. two Division 1 swimmers, one former Division 3 swimmer, one high school varsity football player, and me… a one time 1 mile fun-run participant*. (*And to be honest, I am not even sure I finished that fun run in 1997).

A little less than 1 hour into our 14 hour hike, I had already eaten my emergency snack stash.

By the time we neared the top, I was so exhausted that I let myself be photographed with a BANDANNA on my hair which is VERY VERY out of character. Honestly, It should be an internationally recognized symbol that Sarah B. Keating is in extreme emotional and/or physical duress and require emergency assistance ASAP if I EVERexhibit one of the following:

1. Don’t take the time to fill in my eyebrows

2. Say something like, “No… Don’t worry about it! You don’t have to like my Instagram Post”

3. I am wearing a BANDANNA like THIS in my HAIR,

If I do any of the following, then I am absolutely in shock and needed an ambulance/medical evacuation hours ago.

Luckily, I dragged my arthritis over the Knife's Edge without falling off. When we finally summit-ted, I laughed….. I cried…... I begged for an airlift, but instead I got a warm Natty Light.

I spent the 8 hour hike down death trap mountain distracting myself from the excruciating pain associated with full body exercise by encouraging myself to think about what photos I would Photoshop together to make my hair looked less terrible.

As soon as we got to the car, I cried again. (Obviously.) But Matt said he would drive me straight to the closest McDonald’s so I stopped crying. Like every other emotionally-immature 5 year old, I always stop crying when someone offers to take me to McDonald's.

After inhaling my deep fried french fries and non-chicken chicken nuggets, I finally felt strong enough to pull out my laptop and started Photoshop-ing.

Within ten minutes, I had posted an Instagram picture that showcased slightly better hair. 100 Instagram likes in the first hour of posting? If that isn’t living the American dream then I don’t know what is.



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