a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

2017- My Year of Personal Growth

2017 was a year of growth for me. Not spiritually or mentally, but physically. In 2017, I grew width-wise.

Though I am not large enough to qualify for TLC's realty TV show My 600 Pound Life, I did gain weight last year. Below is a side-by-side comparison of my accidental inflation. It is like I had an allergic reaction to my fast food eating habits.

I tweeted Roger Goodell because my face needs its own personal deflategate scandal.

So, as I am coming to terms with my new BMI reality and wondering if I need to legally increase the listed weight on my license, my family of Ralph Lauren catalog models announced that this year’s January trip would be an island off Belize.

Instead of joining a gym or abandoning my McDonalds addiction, I took the following steps in my (what turned out to be hypothetical) weight loss journey:

1. Gave up all previous forms of exercise to prevent my inner thigh gap from going into extinction. The last thing I needed was my body getting any bigger and apparently muscle weighs more than fat so exercising was completely out of the question.

2. Sought out inspirational workout quotes and surrounded myself with them. Studies show that eating pizza with an inspiration cocktail napkins burns the same number of calories as eating a salad.

3. Found creative ways to eat vegetables at health conscious dining establishments. Personal favorites? The blooming fried onion at Outback Steakhouse and the fried kale bites at Applebees.

4. I also found innovative ways to eat fruit like drinking a Full Fat Pumpkin Spice Latte or chugging multiple strawberry daiquiris.  

5.Befriended someone with the flu. When one of the dads in my office complained that his child gave him the flu, my first thought was, “Coming down with the flu sounds like a sustainable and efficient way to come down two pant sizes”. Unfortunately, this weight loss technique lasted as long as the 24 hour flu itself.

6. Tried not to buy my bridesmaid dress during my weight loss journey. Asking your engaged friend to delay the wedding because of your hypothetical weight loss journey is totally reasonable. What is not reasonable? Being told that my 5’ 6” and 130 lb. frame which normally measures in at a size 4 is now measuring in at a size 12 bridesmaid dress.

The dress is pictured above. The measurements are pictured below.

7. Painted my nails black so the rest of my body looked thin.

8. Since I cannot control how hot our family is, I tried to break up with all of your hot friends after seeing the photos below. Yes. I agree…it does look like I am 8 months pregnant.

9 . Refused to watch the new season of the Bachelor. I do not need to see those supposed "average american girls" in their evening dresses.
10.Bought all new sunglasses to make my face look thinner. The bigger the frame, the less facial inflation visible.

11. Complain often and loudly. If your weight loss journey coincides with a national gifting holiday like Groundhog Day or Columbus Day, make sure to ask your parents for the gift of liposuction. Though this didn't work for me personally but might have if I had different parents.

12. Do not agree to dress like up like Britney Spears personal weight peak. Photos don't lie. Even though I felt like Brittney Spears on stage, I did not look like Brittney Spears . Which might be why no child modeling agency has tried to sign me yet.

Disclaimer: Though I tried desperately to lose weight without eating less or exercising more, I decided to give up on my Belize bikini dreams and stick to my one piece reality. Plus, I found a new iPhone photo filter that lets me deflate myself in the time it takes me to drive through McDonald's drive through.


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