a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

Heading West

My best friend Mac and I recently completed the Texas to California leg of our, “Tour of America's Truck Stop Bathrooms.” When Mac took a job in California, she decided to drive cross country and, though she may have later regretted her decision, she invited me to join her. I jumped in her passenger’s seat in Austin, Texas and can summarize my experience as follows:

On Directions:
If I were to describe my sense of direction, I would simply say, “I don’t have a sense of direction.” Thank goodness Google Maps was invented before I learned to drive or I would have never made it out of my parents’ driveway. So when Mac said I would be in charge of directions, I was initially concerned by the potential pressure. However, on the first day, the GPS lady barked, “Stay straight for 496 mile and take exit 19B in 6 hours and 27 minutes."I can honestly say that following directions has never been easier than it was for me on that day.

On Places Not to Stop:
This women’s room at the El Paso Truck Stop.

On Stopping:
Mac’s theory on stopping was….“We aren’t doing it!”. So please DO NOT ask me how my visit to the WORLD FAMOUS llama farm that we LITERALLY drove past was. Mac didn’t let me stop and I didn’t let her stop hearing my continuous complaints.

On Shopping:
As mentioned above, Mac’s theory on stopping was…“We aren’t doing it!”. Can you guess what Mac’s theory on shopping was?....“We ALSO AREN’T doing that.” So you can imagine my delight when Mac announced we would be stopping so she could purchase a new shirt. But then I remembered Mac’s favorite store…Goodwill. My bank account will attest to the fact that the only shopping I did was in the candy aisles of gas stations.

On Making New Friends:
Much to my disappointment, I didn’t collect any new Instagram followers on this trip. The only friends I made on this trip were a few cactus and a plastic armadillo magnet named Texas. The armadillo came named so I can’t take credit for the creativity of his name.

On Hotels:

Mac is a lot of things but she is the opposite of #trendy. So when Mac said she would pick the hotels, I panicked and mentally resigned myself to prospect that we would only be staying at places whose names ended with ‘motel.’ HOWEVER, Mac surpassed the very low bar I had set for accommodation expectations and actually picked some trendy places. I briefly considered forgiving her for the time she wore running shoes to a cocktail party. But then remembered that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and again and she just got lucky with her hotel picks.

Hands down the worst part of the trip was having to fly home on Spirit but that story will have to wait for another blog post. I would have rather spent 5 hours in the El Paso Truck stop bathroom pictured above than taken that flight home.

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