a blog launched to laugh at my own expense

How to Crush Your Christmas Card

One of my favorite holiday traditions, besides gaining an average of 15 pounds, is sending holiday cards. I truly believe that spamming everyone I know with a 5x7” photo of me is the best way to solicit compliments, holiday party invitations, and ultimately…Instagram likes…which is always my end goal.

Humble as ever, I now consider myself an expert on crushing your Christmas card since last year my card trended on Yahoo.com. Granted…I don’t ACTUALLY know anyone who reads Yahoo.com but I don’t let that fact dilute my recently found celebrity.


1. The holidays are best time to take yourself seriously. Choose a theme and then COMMIT to that theme. Viable themes include being single, alcoholism, and weight gain. If you don’t take yourself and your theme seriously, then you won’t receive the fan mail that Matt and I so graciously received from our adoring fans:

2. Pick a partner who is less attractive than you. This was obviously Matt’s strategy with our card. No wonder he is always such an active and willing participant.

3.. Do a test shoot of your outfit. You do not want some guy named Bill being the one to point out it looks like you, “Have a roll of quarter in your pants in at least two photos”. I need more people like Bill in my life.

4. Pull together your list of recipients. Ex-girlfriends, last weekend’s Uber driver, that bartender who potentially roofied your drink…don’t discriminate. Everyone needs a physical reminder of how cute you are.

5. Include the good stuff. The best type of cards come with a double-page, single spaced letter with imperatively important life updates like: “Candace applied for a job but never heard anything back” or “Jeff might be allergic to a certain type of apples” or “Maria went to the dentist in March”.

6. If recipients don’t express their gratefulness for receiving your card within 24 hours, then break up with them immediately. It is also totally acceptable to send them a Venmo request to reimburse the cost of printing and the stamp. It is also totally reasonable to break up with acquaintances on the grounds of failed Instagram likes and not posting “Happy Birthday!” on your Facebook wall.

Matt and I are shooting this year’s holiday card next week and I can’t wait for Yahoo.com’s feedback! I hope they love this one just as much as they loved last years!


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